Happy fucking earth day

I live in San Francisco and I don't have a car, so fuck everyone, I am GREEN every day. I spent two hours taking a cab from work to a train to a bus to another bus to get to a doctor's appointment at UCSF this afternoon. A homeless woman on the bus told me, "You look just like Freddie Prinze. Aren't you a lucky dog?!" I look nothing like Freddie Prinze, but she looked a lot drunk. Fuck the Earth, I'm buying a Hummer. LET'S SCORCH THIS FUCKER.

Discover magazine is happy to analyze your aborted maybe-fetuses

Aliza Shvarts is a ragamuffin art student at Yale who pulled a real wacky shenanigan: she repeatedly fucked herself with a turkey baster full of semen, then repeatedly aborted whatever hell babies may have been conceived and saved the antibirth bloodguts to smear all over Saran Wrap and dangle in a Yale gallery to display for her senior art project. What a goofball!

The world responded with a collective, "You are a disgusting twat", but now Yale is saying it was all just "creative fiction". Aliza still maintains that, "No way, I totally aborted fetuses and kept them right here in this ice cube tray. SEE? I am a cum-guzzling baby-shitting nightmare from hell". And then in steps Discover Magazine to lend the nurturing hand of science to the situation: we could test the blood for hormones or DNA or Y chromosomes to determine if Aliza was ever actually pregnant! SRSLY, do we still have to care about this?

People to economists: yes, we love money. do you have any? can we have some of it? please?

Finally, thank Christ, someone has shown that "Money can't buy happiness" is the worst stupidest most untrue bumper sticker cliche ever uttered in the time of man. In 1974, a hippie rabble-rouser at Penn named Easterlin published a study that showed that people in rich countries weren't much happier than people in poor countries, and then everyone threw their money in the furnace and laughed and cried tears of happiness and joy. But last week, a younger crop of rapscallions at Penn published new data that indicates that, actually, money makes most people feel pretty damn great, and rich countries tend to be happy countries, except Hong Kong, which appears to be about as happy as that poor free-speech crackdown state Myanmar. Also, Danish people are delirious, along with the Scandinavian countries, because they are all vampires who love paying taxes. In summary, people enjoy being wealthy, and it took economists 34 years to figure out this mystery of the ages. Good work, science!

scientists sequence genome of james watson, who invented genomes, then became an idiot

James Watson is a crazy old wingbat coot. Approximately 200 years ago he got a Nobel Prize for discovering some dumb molecule, which gave him license to say very stupid things, constantly, for the rest of his undead life. Here are a few gems from the Watson archives:

"There are many people of colour who are very talented, but don't promote them when they haven't succeeded at the lower level."

"Whenever you interview fat people, you feel bad, because you know you're not going to hire them."

"If you could find the gene which determines sexuality and a woman decides she doesn't want a homosexual child, well, let her."

He has also been quoted referring to fellow egomaniacal dweebtard scientist Craig Venter as "Hitler", because Jews are the one class of people that Watson has yet to make disparaging comments about.

Anyway, Watson's genome was sequenced by 454 within 4 months, so awesome. Watson now joins Hitler in the Genome Club, even though Hitler's genome was sequenced with fewer gaps and at a greater expense to society. Next, advances in stem cell technology will allow Watson and Venter to generate the first recombinant Antichrist spawn, who will scour DNA sequences for proof that every fetus ever conceived should be aborted, until humankind is extinct, save for James Watson, who will be left to roam the Earth for eternity telling trees and fish that they're stupid and he will never hire them.

government funding research to make chia limbs

An evil Satanist cult called "The Pentagon" wants to harvest stem cells from soldiers going off to battle to create secret underground limb factories in Eastern Europe, or New Jersey. The Armed Forces Institute of Regenerative Medicine is developing techniques to reconstruct hands, fingers, ears, noses, and craniums from stem cells collected from soldiers (just in case!) before sending them to places where they may be horribly disfigured.

"The living cells can then be painted over a scaffolding made of biodegradable material and shaped in the form of a nose or ear, and attached to the face." It will be just like a soothing avacado face mask, except it will be made of YOUR FACE, not avocados. In the future, wounded veterans will pick a new leg off the Limb Tree and get back out in the field, and the Freeing of Iraq can go on forever and ever. Limbs for everyone!

Canada leading the world in declaring bispheno... ZZZZZZZZ

Canadians are passive and boring, so naturally they are blazing the trail to do the most boring thing in the world, first. Tomorrow the health minister will declare bisphenol A, a chemical found in plastics, toxic. This makes Canada the first country to officially declare this controversial chemical toxic. God, Canada. You are such a pussy.

The Canadians are basing their decision on an NIH report that says, "There is some concern for neural and behavioural effects in fetuses, infants and children at current human exposures. The NTP also has some concern for bisphenol A exposure in these populations based on effects in the prostate gland, mammary gland and an earlier age for puberty in females." US policymakers read the same report and said, "Meh", because Nalgene, the company that makes plastics with BPA, says everything is totally cool.

Hey, remember that time when every other country in the world said bovine growth hormone was bad for you, but the evil giant corporation Monsanto that makes BGH said "NAH, IT'S GOOD!", so we just kept drinking milk, and then we all got cancer? Yeah, that was awesome.

Bush says something about greenhouses, no one cares

Without any specifics of how or why, Dr. President Bush decided the US should flatten greenhouse gas emissions by 2025, and this is such a great idea that China and India should follow his example. His strategy is to emphasize advances in technology, because the internet will save us all. Meanwhile the Democrats and that old McCain man are considering a bill involving things like emissions caps and pollution credits, but the White House is "vehemently opposed" because it might make some filthy rich people slightly less filthy rich. None of this matters because no one was listening and Bush will veto emissions caps coming out of Congress and China will never stop making stuff anyway and basically we're all going to fry fry fry. GORE 4 PREZ!!